I hate lists
They wind around me
Like boa constrictors
Squeezing out my life’s energy
Unchecked items
Insatiable predators
Feasting on my self-esteem
Waiting for others in queue
To take their place
Lined up
To infinity.
Month: April 2017
Weekly Photo Challenge- Wandering Through the Tulips
Every spring these tulip fields at the Wooden shoe Tulip Farm explode with color, a welcome end to a dreary winter. I am lucky I don’t have to wander far in Oregon to experience such beauty.
Van Gogh & the Question of Audience
” Does what goes on inside show on the outside? Someone has a great fire in his soul and nobody ever comes to warm themselves at it, and passers-by see nothing but a little smoke at the top of the chimney and then go on their way. So now what are we to do, keep this fire alive inside, have salt in ourselves, wait patiently, but with how much impatience, await the hour, I say, when whoever wants to, will come and sit down there, will stay there, for all I know? “
Vincent Van Gogh, letter to his brother Theo, June 24, 1880
I read this quote by Van Gogh last week on Austin Kleon’s blog last week which inspired the question of the value of audience.
Before I started to blog this year, I wrote in comfortable anonymity in a small leather bound journal for an audience of one- me. Then I started my blog as a “must do” to help promote my visual art online. This intention swiftly changed after I published my first blog post “You Just Start.” To my amazement, I heard a little chime shortly after I hit the post button letting me know that one blogger had “liked” my post. I was floored. Really I had expected nothing, but the fact that my writing connected with someone emboldened 
me to share more of my personal writing.
Several posts later I received my first follower which amazed me even more. Then I began to join in the community by liking, commenting, & following others blogs. As I have been building my audience, I have been an audience to others, adding such a rich dimension to my creative life. Having an audience has been an affirmation that my creative expression has value to not only myself but to others.
Still, no matter what, I need to create with satisfying the audience of my own soul as my first priority. When I create with the intention just to please others, my work seems hollow. That’s when I feel the most despair if no one “comes to my table.” I will continue to write with or without an audience. Luckily I don’t need to make money 
from my writing and I will savor any audience that comes my way. The important thing is I be brave and share my work.
Van Gogh stayed true to his artistic vision even though he was penniless. During his lifetime he never sold one painting. He could have painted in the style of the day to generate income. What courage that took and we are so much the beneficiaries of that courage years after his death. If only knew what a genius he was. If only he could have experienced his audience.
Weekly Photo Challenge “In the Earth there is Shelter”
These photos were shot in Chaco Canyon, New Mexico. Chaco Canyon was an ancient spiritual gathering site for tribes in the Southwestern US. I was struck by how integrated these ancient people were with the earth, to the point their very shelter was made of bricks and stones from the ground beneath their feet.
Mistakes Happen
Why is it we learn so much when things don’t go as planned? I ponder this again after not thinking things through and doing my homework before entering the art show I participated in last weekend.
Mistakes happen
Errors of judgment
Unpleasant results
Usually expensive
Literally & figuratively
Missed – takes
Such
Learning opportunities
In this university of life
This education is exhausting
But apparently required
To reach one’s true destination
Weekly Photo Challenge- “Surprise” Dog Love in Paris ala Motorcyle
While strolling a Paris boulevard, imagine my surprise when this happy golden retriever & owner sped by! I was happy I managed to get this shot in a split second.
To the Homeless Man on the Street Corner
I saw you there
As I waited in queue to turn left
Windshield wipers chasing furious raindrops
The wind buffeting your cardboard sign
HOMELESS
JUST GOT JOB
NEED MONEY FOR WORKBOOTS
PLEASE HELP
The line of cars began to move forward
I turned left, not stopping for the man
Shame spreading down to my toes
In warm leather shoes.
This experience happened to me last week as I was leaving the grocery store parking lot. Why do I freeze up when I see homeless people on street corners asking for money? No matter what the backstory, these people are in need and they aren’t out stealing for it.
I live on a very modest income but I have enough to where I contribute to charities monthly. Maybe it’s seeing the actual face of need in person? All I know is that I did not go back through the traffic but I am making a commitment to change.
I just started following a blog by Cristian Mihai. Cristian is a talented writer from Romania with some type of serious, ongoing medical issues that appear to keep him housebound. He has put out a plea for donations to help pay is medical bills after his attempt to sell reblogs & books has not been enough. In a sense, he has put himself on a virtual street corner. To be honest, that same morning I had read his post, I felt the same hesitancy as when I drove past the man on the street corner. When I got home I made immediately made a donation to him on his Pay Pal account.
Times are tough for many in the world, but there is enough to go around if the wealth is spread. Cristian has over 120,000 followers. If every one of those followers donated $.15, his 8,000 medical treatment could be covered. I am humbled when I think of when back to when my son was critically ill as an infant. Friends and strangers stepped up to help out. Generosity is something I need to continue working on.
Straight Lines
This little ditty was inspired by another blogger who had taken the time to read my post on Escaping Perfectionism and liked it. So I returned the visit (he has a very nice blog by the way). In his ABOUT page he said he could not draw a straight line. This got me to thinking about this commonly said phrase implying one has no artistic talent. Exactly, what is so great about drawing a straight line? What a boring thing to aspire to. This one is for you Cristian!
STRAIGHT LINES
You say you can’t draw a line that’s straight
MARVELOUS!
That’s what rulers are for
Do zig and zag and loop de loop them
And think of straight no more.
Security Comes in a Box – Weekly photo challenge
The first thing that came to my mind when I thought of security was my cat, Emmy (rest in peace) who would spend her days sleeping in a box on the washing machine. She especially liked the spin cycle- kind of like “magic fingers.” I would come in and her ears would be vibrating. The box was her security- she was mine.
ESCAPING PERFECTIONISM
Perfectionism is a like having a raucous little beast, its claws firmly embedded in your 
shoulder, whispering in your ear that your work is not good enough. You need to try harder. You need to do more for it to pass muster. But you’re never quite satisfied and you’re filled with lingering doubt about the value of your work, and worse, yourself. It is the enemy of creativity. When I speak of perfectionism, I am not equating it with the precision required of a brain surgeon or a rocket scientist. This kind of perfectionism does not lead to positive outcomes. It often goes hand in hand with unhappiness & anxiety.
Looking at my work now, one would never know that I am a recovering perfectionist. My artwork is often playful, spontaneous, & made of torn paper or clay forms that have intentionally been altered or misshapen in some way. I gravitate towards the asymmetrical & wonky shapes that you might find in a Dr. Suess book. It’s my private rebellion against perfection. In a roundabout way, I’m rejecting the notion that our bodies must conform to a perfect ideal as celebrated by our culture.
The seeds of my perfectionism developed during my teenage years. I suffered from some misaligned parenting that left me carrying a heavy backpack of low self-esteem into my adulthood. The message I internalized from frequent criticism was that I was not good enough. As a result, I became critical of myself & began down the path of perfectionism to compensate.
Perfectionists often set themselves up for failure- or perceived failure. It made sense that one of my first art forms was calligraphy. To make proper letterforms, one has to be quite exacting. I strove to achieve the strictest proportions with my work, often starting over & over. Eventually, my body started to give me signals that made me begin to question my perfectionism. I developed carpal tunnel syndrome, neck, and back pain. This started a period of intense self-examination since I was suffering from depression as well.
It took months of therapy and hard work on my part to begin to free myself from the grip that low self- esteem had on my psyche. I started taking medication to treat my depression. Eventually, my perfectionism began to dissipate. Now I practice “imperfectionism.” This does not mean I am into sloppy craftsmanship, poor grammar, or spelling errors, but rather that when I have expressed what I’ve needed to express I stop, walk away, and declare it done. The little flaws that remain, unnoticed to others but myself, are no longer deal breakers. They are the marks that a human hand made 
the piece and not a machine.
I keep an awareness about me when I am working lest my evil little beast lands on my shoulder again. If my mood shifts from a positive one to anxiety, I start to question the motives in my work and refocus. It’s a great time to get up, flick the beast off, and take a break.
The creative process should bring happiness. If your perfectionism is robbing you of that, it’s time to think about where it came from. Check out the books by Keri Smith such as Mess, The Manual of Accidents & Mistakes to loosen you up. Adopt the practice of “imperfectionism” and experience the joy you deserve.
By Alanna Pass 